The chicken dilemma was not
the only complex situation the suburban mom encountered. Now that she was approaching middle age, she
found herself with occasional windows of time that were unfamiliar; when she
was balancing work, motherhood and little kids those windows did not
exist. Sometimes a well-meaning friend might
ask her to lunch, or to coffee. This
presented a conflict for her. Though on
the surface going out to lunch seemed innocuous, it caused her a bit of stress,
which also on the surface seemed silly and very hard to explain.
The idea of small talk
intimidated her. Goal directed since she was young, most things she did had a
purpose. For example, walking with a friend, taking a class, participating in a
book group, and of course, knitting, were all activities that were
non-threatening and had similar overarching reasons for companionship. In fact, she craved these experiences and the
people she was with. She’d be lost
without them. Curiously, she was never
at a loss for words when engaged in some diversion. But going out to lunch? Going out for the specific purpose of just
talking? There is an unstated pressure in that situation that isn’t publicly
acknowledged. It reminded her of her
failed therapy experience many years back.
There she was, sitting on the
couch, attempting to express herself accurately while getting her point across.
Acutely aware of things to be managed in a
two-person dialogue, she found this challenging at times. Eye contact was a
tricky one. Awkward silences were also a
hazard she tried to avoid. This meant
that she might find herself talking on and on about something irrelevant just
to fill the empty space, an event that would leave her flustered. There is no eraser for that situation, for once
the words exist out loud and into the world, they become their own force. And, not one to reveal too much, she
calculated her words carefully. She
walked a fine line between honesty, divulgence and invulnerability. Eventually these considerations became too onerous
and tiring –so of course she had to quit therapy because it was just too
exhausting.
It turns out that people
expect people to be able to go out to lunch without hesitation. And it wasn’t as if she couldn’t go out to lunch, it was just something that she found she
was consciously avoiding, as it seemed to take up a lot of her energy. But it was getting to be more of an issue now
that she had that precarious window. In
fact, when her good friend texted her to meet up for coffee, she answered back
“how about a walk instead?” Things
then got complicated. The friend texted
back- “I don’t have any walking shoes for this type of weather.” Aside from being irritated by her friend’s
lack of footwear, she was stuck. She
was stuck agreeing to coffee. She recognized that this wasn’t an acceptable
real world “problem” and felt appropriately guilty. But no matter, a few days later, she pulled
up to the parking space and recognized that familiar feeling of anticipation,
of doing something that requires her full attention. Sitting across from someone with only air
between them demands clear headed focus, and she couldn’t daydream as she was
apt to do. The truth is, is that she wanted
to be like those characters in the movies where seamless conversation flowed
easily from topic to topic; where characters eloquently expressed their
thoughts; where relationships solidified over lunch. She walked into the shop. Her friend, already there, gave her a
hug. The suburban mom silently took
notice of her shoes, which seemed just fine for a walk to her.
But she sat down anyway, took
a deep breath and ordered her tea.
